Every morning when I see that the bed has been made by my husband, who has left for work, I feel so happy and relaxed. Literally, a weight is lifted and I can take a deep breath. I know it seems like a small gesture, but when I see this, I feel seen. I feel like my needs to lighten the housework/ family demands/responsibilities are met (for a moment). It feels ah-mazing. My husband works full time and has a 35 minute commute each way and I work parttime (in and out of the home) and manage most of the family/home tasks during the week. We have a very busy household., like most families, with an elementary school child and a new middle schooler.
On the contrary, when I come home after a long work day and there is no dinner left for me, I am not a happy camper. It is not that I am incapable of making my own dinner, but I make dinner nearly every night and I am burned out. The message I was receiving, though unintended, was that I didn't matter. How foolish is that? Actually, it is not foolish because it is a window into how we all give and feel/receive love. I know that there are more realistic explanations like, "We thought you had packed your own since you stayed late at work" or "I will make you delicious loaded nachos when you get home because for realz who likes cold, soggy nachos?" When one is hangry, our capacity to use our full frontal lobes is shot. Amirite?
The 5 Love Languages, created by Gary Chapman, is the idea is that we all give and receive love in a certain way aka "love language". The love languages are Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. It is important to know how you feel and give love. Chapman states that the pain and sadness one feels from the absence of a love language lets you know that it is in fact your love language. I know I matter and my husband shows me in so many ways, whether it is spending time with me watching one of my favorite shows, anything from the Bachelor franchise (I am a proud die hard card carrying member of Bachelor Nation), making the bed, vacuuming, telling me that he is proud of me, hoisting my heavy as hell bike cruiser up on the garage wall, taking on the meal planning and grocery shopping for a bit, helping with cooking, laundry, taking the short trek up the block to check the mail, signing our kids up for extracurriculars, planning our next camping/vacation adventure, offering business advice, albeit unsolicited 😉 , and so much more.
A client told me that their partner used to make half of their bed. Guess which side? I stared at my client in disbelief. Apparently, the partner told my client that it was too hard to walk on the other side and make it. Now, this is making a bed, not a log cabin. Although we could have shared some sad tears because of the message my client was receiving, we laughed so hard that tears were streaming down our faces and our sides hurt. This is a job half-done, people. Seriously, who has time for that? 😉 My client has worked hard to clarify needs and boundaries and their marriage has grown stronger in many ways and thankfully now when the bed is made, it is fully made. Understanding how we give and receive love is so important. It is our job to clarify and communicate our needs to our partners/loved ones.
After reflecting, it is clear that I am an "Acts of Service", "Words of Affirmation" with a little bit of "Quality Time" sprinkled in kind of gal. Which one are you? Which one is your partner? If you are not sure, you can take a quiz here. Does a made bed or clean kitchen put you in the mood? Do you melt when someone wants to spend time with you watching your favorite show or do you feel loved in other ways? How do you show people you love them? As always, thank you for stopping by.
With Kindness,
Kerry
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