Dear BASK friends,
I am writing to share with you some words that I hope will help you cope during this scary and uncertain time due to the global pandemic of COVID-19. In my home, we are entering the second week of social distancing and staying to ourselves as a family. As we all know, all of our worlds have been flipped upside down. As a clinical psychologist, I have moved my entire practice to telehealth and my husband is also able to work from home as well. We are so lucky and we don't take that for granted one bit. As we all settle into our new normal, we need to take note of how we are feeling.
When we got the personal news that our kids' school was going to be canceled and everything else on our calendar would be too, as well as this happening all across the country and globe, it started to sink in that we are entering into a "new normal", which is unknown, scary, and unchartered territory. That weekend, my husband and I went into planning and problem-solving mode. We surveyed what foods we had to make meals and what supplies we had already and then started to figure out what we needed (cleaning supplies, meals that we could quickly throw together, a plan to educate and both entertain and "not entertain" our two kids (12-year and 8-year olds), a plan to figure out working from home and get all of our clients and work online, and how we were going to try our best to keep ourselves physically and mentally healthy.
While we were in problem-solving mode, I started to have great fear and I had a nauseous feeling in my stomach. "How will I keep my business going? What if people don't want to see me for therapy via video or phone? Will this business that I worked so hard to create just dry up?" It was an awful feeling and very real. I was so thankful that in the midst of trouble-shooting and letting this all sink in, that I was about to meet with my own therapist in a day. It was my carved-out time to process my feelings (fear, confusion, frustration, anger, despair, overwhelm, gratitude, and more) with my therapist. I am so grateful that this was and is available to me.
So let's check in. How are you doing? How are you feeling? A wonderful article, "That Discomfort you're Feeling is Grief" by Scott Berinato captures the importance of recognizing and making space for our feelings, especially grief during this COVID-19 crisis. There are all kinds of grief, including anticipatory grief. We are not certain what is ahead, but it feels bad and it is hard to feel hopeful. The author cites famous grief experts, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, who teach us about the stages of grief, (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Kessler also wrote about the 6th stage of grief which is making meaning of the grief. I definitely see so many of us doing this as we note the large life lessons and the silver linings. But first, we need to feel to deal and heal.
Right now, I want us to make space for our feelings and especially acknowledge what each of us is grieving. It is different for each and every one of us. Our grieving may show up as sadness, crying, irritability, anger, numbness, shutting down, frenetic busyness, perfectionism, and being overly helpful. No kind of grief is any less important than any other grief. There is grief for all kinds of life events like loved ones who are sick or who have passed away, canceled celebrations, important milestones, job security, financial security, concerts, competitions, sporting events, weddings, travel, school, graduations, dances like prom, hanging out with friends and being with other loved ones, peace of all kinds including not knowing if we are safe or not, and more.
No matter what we are grieving, we need to acknowledge it. When we avoid our feelings or don't give them a second glance, we delay needing to process them, which causes various problems (e.g. tension with other people, health issues, unhealthy coping with substances or other addictions (food and exercise) and mental health struggles. Healthily addressing what we are feeling is so important. It helps our mental health, physical health, and our relationships with others. For emotions to pass, we need to move through them. There is no shortcut. Here are some steps to help you (and others) grieve during this time. These are great to also apply to our loved ones:
1) Ask yourself these 3 questions:
How you are doing?
What you are feeling?
What do you need?
2) Give compassion to yourself for your feelings. Name what is going on. Examples include:
"I know that this is hard."
"I am not used to ..."
"I miss spending time with my friends."
"It is hard to not get to do the things that I love."
"I am so scared that...”
2) Come up with a plan to take care of yourself. Examples include:
Writing/journaling, talking, exercising, connecting with others, listening to or playing music, being creative, soothing practices like meditating, mindful breathing, grounding with the senses, stretching, bathing and more
3) Be proud of yourself for naming and allowing the feelings to be there and then for the intentional self-care. (Help others do this who need guidance.)
Today, I am holding space for you and am reminding you to regularly check-in with yourself (and your loved ones) about how you (they) are doing, what you (they) are feeling, and how you (they) can soothe and work through the grief. We are all in this together.
With Loving Kindness,
Kerry
Berinato, S. (2020, March 23). That Discomfort you are Feeling is Grief. Retrieved from:
https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief
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