I come from a family of smart asses. Yep. Some of the best are in my lineage. Thanks, Dad, Mom, Kev, Kris, Katie, Pete, and so many more. You have taught me really well. "Above my Paygrade"is a joke in our house that we say when someone asks us to do something that we really have no interest or business in doing. The job is either impossible (e.g. put two sandwich halves magically back together again, among many other headscratching requests) or it belongs to the person making the request.
My husband and I have a 10 year-old daughter and a 6 year-old son. Over the years, we have learned parenting lessons (e.g. how to’s and how not to’s). In our more recent years, we have become steadfast in instilling personal responsibility and letting our children do what they can for themselves. As a former university counseling center psychologist, I saw what happened when parents "overparented" or were affectionately known as "helicopter parents." When we led "Letting Go" training sessions for preparing parents of incoming college freshmen, we joked about how not to be the parent who comes to the exam to bring a pencil because junior forgot his pencil. Oh boy. Yes. That is true.
It is 100 times harder when it is your own child. Sleep deprivation and "did I say, sleep deprivation?" and knowing little about parenting because you are a first timer had a lot do with it. As new parents, it is easy to step in and do things for our kids, but in raising children we need to allow them to have opportunities to grow, mess up, and to learn from their mistakes. This is growth mindset, which I love with my whole heart. I will save that for another post...If you really think about it, parents and all of us who care for children are really raising adults. When parents and/or other well-meaning adults step in and “solve problems” or try to solve things that are not problems (e.g. boredom) we take away the opportunities for reflection, brainstorming, creativity, and self-efficacy…You get the picture.
Case in point, last week, way past bedtime, our 6 year-old goes, “Mommy, I am sorry. It fell."
Now, that is not plain water, but that is evidence that he did, in fact, pee, like we remind him to do every night. Thank goodness. The peanut gallery states, (aka kiddos and my husband),"Just fish it out." Me-with exuberance, "Um, no. That is above my paygrade." Cue the laughter and "A-ha" moments. They have heard me chant this before. The remaining options to address the bristle blocks floating in pee water: 1) From my practical husband, "Just flush it and the cleaner water will clean it and they are too big to go down the tank. Then it is easy and not so gross to retrieve them"…Me-"Umm. I love you and I really don’t want to risk that getting clogged."
2) I could fish it out (yuck-no thanks), but besides it being gross, that would mean, more importantly, that I would have delivered a big ole glass of "enable juice".
3) This could wait until the next day. Make that three or four days. I will hand our son a pair of rubber gloves and I will don my own and I will teach him to use some tongs. It is good fine motor skills practice, too, right?
Number 3 for the win! I am not going to risk plumbing issues and I am not going to enable this problem and “solve it for him.” Three, I am going to teach him how to solve his own problem so he can have the skills to figure out how to solve the next "OMG" moment.
Several days later. My husband-"What are we going to do about these bristle blocks?" Me-"$&^! Hold on. We need our gloves. Oops. I forgot to address this earlier. My bad."
Time to get to work.
We did it! I mean he really did it. No big whoop. “Above my paygrade”, while a bit snarky, conveys that one needs to accept the consequences of their decisions and learn how to deal with life’s mishaps. I know. It is only pee, but someday it could be something more disgusting and we all know that there will be way worse problems for which our kids will have to cope and/or solve. Tell me. For what kinds of moments have you had to bite your tongue, sit on your hands, and not step in? How do you support and foster independence in children in a funny, uplifting way? Thanks for reading. Please let me know how you use humor with kiddos. It would be fun to hear your wisdom. I am excited to hear from you.
With Humor and Kindness,
Kerry
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